Noah (2014)

OH, good lord...

Noah is directed by Darren Arnofsky and stars people like Russell Crowe, Jennifer Connolly, Emma Watson, Douglas Booth, Logan Lerman as well as many others, and is a Hollywood-style action-packed retelling of the classic Bible story, in which a man called Noah is given the hard task of keeping all of the animals on Earth safe when God has threatened that he is going to unleash

a gigantic cascade of water on the Earth.

Considering the terrible things I had heard about this film, I decided to buy this on standard DVD at Tesco for £3.00.

And the moment I saw the narration written on the screen, I though 'This is going to be

terrible.'

And it was. Noah is absolutely appalling.

I was trying to think of a phrase to describe this movie and I think I came up with one: biblical

Ender's Game.

Noah gets this phrase by being pretty much consistently boring throughout the entire 135 minutes runtime of this film. And do you know what, this might actually be worse than Ender's Game.

We're taking Die Another Day out of the equation here.

But then, there is the odd moment or two throughout this movie where it so shockingly

bad, that I wanted to screech with laughter. Seriously.

This movie has a gigantic set-up to the big Ark action event, a big long one that lasts

literally about an hour.

And when I say this is worse then Ender's Game, I seriously mean it.

Even though Ender's Game is basically a snooze fest, at least there are a few moments

which are moderately interesting.

In Noah, you just don't flippin' care.

There are romantic subplots woven through this movie, an army trying to take over the Ark,

and all of these things to try and make it appeal more for mainstream Hollywood cinema,

and all of them fall completely flat on their faces.

And also, the writer and the director, Darren Aronofsky, seemed to have a vision, that

every line of dialogue needed to feel important and real. Every line of dialogue is delivered

by the actors with great passion and performance, but it's just cringeworthy by the end of this

movie, it's just cringeworthy.

And when they actually get on the Ark, the writers just make up random filler.

There is this plot where Emma Watson's character is having a baby, and if it's a girl,

Noah's gonna kill the baby, for - whatever reason, and then there's also Logan

Lerman's character who is trying to keep the secret that the leader of the army

is on the ship.

My only positive and I mean, the ONLY positive I have with this movie, is the actors.

All of these actors like Russell Crowe, Emma Watson, Jennifer Connolly, all of them

give very good performances and I least they were trying, because this movie -

oh, it really wasn't.

Noah gets a D-.

Ender's Game, I officially apologise for everything I said to you.